Hollow Spaces, Busy Places
by onemomentwithyou
Summary: Nothing is as it seems. Bonds are broken. Lives are at stake. Love wins in the end. *promise Rizzles*
1. Epidemiology of a Broken Heart

Images of Maura swirl around my head like a hulking vortex, swallowing me whole. It takes everything in me not to call her and beg her to take me back. I can't eat, can't sleep, can't function without Maura in my life. She hates me so much that she couldn't bare to live in the same city as me anymore. Maura moved clear across the country to separate herself from me.

Los Angeles is perfect for her, though, and I know she'll fit in there. At least I hope she does. I haven't left my couch in 5 days. I am in constant pain, around the clock, all day and all night. Tears won't fall down my cheeks anymore because I have nothing left inside of me. Mentally, I wait for Maura to correct me and spout off a medical phenomenon taking place in my body. It takes a moment for me to realize that her voice will never come and the disappointment rams into my chest like an angry bull.

The space between my fingers feel so cold and forgotten without Maura's hand to embrace them. Her soft, pale skin welcoming the rare iridescent sunbeams in the dead of winter. Maura has the uncanny ability to turn rain into blue skies with just a flash of her smile. Maura was my sunshine and good-luck charm. Now that she's gone, I see nothing but cold weather and dead dreams.

A knock at my door startles me, but I just lie motionless on the couch. Whoever it is can shove it because I'm not moving half an inch in that direction. "Janey! Open this door! This is your mother!" My Ma doesn't know when to quit. I just want to wallow in silence, without distraction or company. _Leave me the fuck alone, Ma...  
_  
I cover my ears with my hands and shut my eyes tight, submerging myself into lonely darkness. Nothing is worse than wanting to be alone. Actually, wanting to be alone and having someone bother you is worse. If only Maura was the one knocking and calling for me... I wouldn't be able to get to the door fast enough!

As I ignore the banging on my front door, I relive every beautiful memory of Maura that I hold. Our first kiss is probably my favorite memory to replay. The soft moonlight complimented every feature of her face as we walked along the beach. Coastal breeze played with Maura's hair, filling the air with her floral scent. A gentle fog crept low over the water's surface, setting an eerie, yet romantic ambiance. Our fingers found comfort laced together, connecting us with ease.

With the tide rolling in, licking our feet, I turned my face to hers. Maura's big hazel eyes had an underlying intensity, as if they were coaxing me, daring me to kiss her. We stopped walking and she stood in front of me, our eyes lost in each other. There we stood, blinking anxiously at each other, and I glanced at her lips longingly.

My hands wrapped around her small waist and I slowly pulled Maura close to me. Her fingers slid up to my face, willing our mouths to meet in the soft glowing moonlight. We were eye to eye, just floating in each others sinful gaze. My heart was pounding with anticipation and I bit my lip nervously. The innocent, fiery passion shining through Maura's eyes sent me over the edge. Remembering to breathe was hard enough in her presence, but breathing while she's wrapped in my arms was quite a task.

Her cold fingertips gently stroke my bottom lip, freeing it from my teeth. Gradually our faces pull together, like attracted magnets, like gravity pushing us until we collided. Maura's lips were soft and sweet, melding perfectly with mine. The kiss was slow and powerful and it knocked the wind out of me. I want that back. Overwhelmed with emotion, I pulled back just enough to look at Maura's beautiful face. Shuddering, lustful breaths wracked our bodies against one another.

Maura kissed me again, holding my face in position with her thin fingers. Three more quick pecks from her lips to mine. I smiled because for the first time, I was truly happy. Bliss made my stomach warm; a small fire igniting within me. Lights dipped along the waves separating the dark sea and the night sky. Maura and I stood huddled together, braving the chilly ocean air, watching the ship lights play across the horizon. I can still hear the waves break around us and the distant call of a ship's horn out at sea. I can still feel the frigid wind biting at my cheeks and Maura's warm body pressed against mine. I can still see the moonlight cast on the ocean's surface, rippling with each tumbling wave onto the shore. I can still smell the crisp saltiness of the sea mingling gently with Maura's radiating floral scent.

Finally, the knocking at my door subsides and I roll onto my stomach, burying my face into the couch cushion. Regardless of my beautiful memories of Maura, I have to try to accept the fact that I no longer have her. She isn't mine to cherish anymore and my only regret is not loving her more. I couldn't have possibly loved her any deeper, but maybe if I had we would still be together. I took for granted being able to kiss her lips whenever I wanted. I never knew that living without Maura would be so disgustingly apathetic and lifeless. Time won't pass and I feel like I'm stuck reliving the same horrible day over and over again. Nothing helps, not even drowning myself in beer.

-

Rain slaps against my bedroom window and thunder rumbles over head. Wind howls and whistles through bare tree branches, making the temperature drop. The stormy weather matches my current mood. I feel dead inside, like every beautiful thing in this world has been stripped from my grasp. Everything inside of me is dry, dead and dark. I try so very hard to be myself on the surface, but deep down I am haunted by an unbearable agony. Thoughts of Jane burn my senses like a white-hot fire. I trusted her.

The worst part of our separation is that I could have prevented it. As theoretically impossible as it may seem, I know that there must have been something I could have done to stop her. I hate Los Angeles. I just want to go home to Boston and back to Jane. I want so desperately to forgive her, but in the back of my mind, I know I never will. Some wounds cannot be healed, even with time.

Periodically, I have to convince myself that I made the right choice, that I don't physically need Jane. But I do. Every atom and cell of my being needs Jane. I long to lose myself in her deep, brown eyes, to dive into their uncharted waters. Something so intense and passionate lies at their core, enticing and persuasive. I miss cracking all of her codes and kissing her soft pink lips. I need her wild hair falling around our faces, blocking out the rest of the world like thick curtains.

I remember the exact moment when I fell in love with Jane. She had taken me to a baseball game on the hottest day of the year. The sun was beating down on our backs, burning its light into our skin. Sunscreen, hotdogs and alcohol lingered in the air, suffocating me. Camaraderie and team representation are the foundation of baseball. Jane's passion and understanding of the sport was intriguing to witness. There is something so unyieldingly beautiful in watching someone else's pleasure. I was miserable for the most part, but it is one of my very favorite memories. I realized that the only thing making me stay was Jane's happiness.

Her eyes danced over each play of the game. She spoke with enthusiasm as she tried her best to explain to me the rules of baseball. The gentle, pulsating light in Jane's brown eyes was enough to make me stay. I knew I loved her then, because I would have stayed in the stadium for a thousand years just to bring out her dimples. In that moment, I would have surrendered everything in my life just to hear her laugh. In that moment, Jane was everything to me. She still is...

As the sweltering and harsh sunlight dipped behind the stadium walls, the air grew colder until I was practically shivering. The game was in something called "triple overtime", which is, apparently, a big deal. My fingers were lonely and cold dangling in the air next to my thighs. Jane's scarred hand brushed against my skin, tempting my cold fingers. A gentle breeze caresses my exposed skin, sending chills throughout my entire body.

I shifted my standing body enough to chance a glance at Jane. The chilly night breeze swept Jane's curly locks back and out of her face. The bright artificial lamps illuminated her angular features, and I was drawn to her beauty like a moth to flame. In an instant, the crowd erupted into a delighted frenzy. Jane thrust her arms into the air and looked to me with unadulterated joy. For a moment, the entire outside world floated away. In that moment, Jane was everything and I only saw her gorgeous face.

"Maura! We won!" Jane shouts to me over the booming cheers. I had yet to see this magnitude of happiness etched into Jane's face. She radiated, like a slow-burning fire, her embers crackling and emanating warmth. I threw my arms up and let out a victorious holler, genuinely elated.

Jane smirks at me and I blush, blinking my eyes flirtatiously. My heart alive and pulsating wildly with heightened adrenaline. The stands continue to thump with outcries of joy, strangers becoming the best of friends as they celebrate together. The man to my immediate left wrapped his burly arms around my waist and lifted me from the ground. The act took me by complete surprise and my wide eyes flitted to Jane. A quick flash of her shiny badge, changed the man's mind and he rightfully put my feet back on the ground. Jane shook her head in exasperation, her eyes downcast.

Seeing Jane so undeniably jubilant, but also so defeated left me distraught. Could Jane have felt the underlying passion in my eyes? Could she possibly have felt the pulsating tug of my heart, like Earth's gravitational pull? Without a definitive conclusion, I wrap my arms around Jane's neck. Instantly, I felt the weight of the world melt from my shoulders. Jane stood motionless for a nanosecond, contemplating my sudden embrace.

I felt her abdomen inhale sharply against my own as Jane folded her arms across my back. Her flat palms, stretched out to hold me, emitted a sensational pressure on my clothed back. Our embrace was sensual and foreboding and I knew that my friendship with Jane would not be the same after that night. Lavender scented shampoo filled my nose as I buried my face in Jane's thick hair.

The memory makes me smile through my thick, streaming tears. My heart aches for Jane, but my mind pushes her away. I feel like the sand of the ocean's floor; suffocated and stagnant. Suffocated by emotion and held stagnant by wonderful memories of Jane. The distance between Jane and I means nothing because she will forever remain a part of me. I need to go home to Boston. _No, Maura, give California a chance...give it a few months...or at the very least a month._

I close my eyes, desperate to rid my mind of this constant battle of will. I stroke the soft sheets covering my mattress, feeling their emptiness. Exhaustion pulls at my eyelids and sinks deep within my core, submerging me deeper and deeper into my mattress. The steady pitter patter of raindrops on my window lulls me into a dreamless sleep.

**I hope you all like the first chapter! Comments are highly appreciated and mot welcome, even if they're critical. I love to hear your feedback! Thanks for reading! If this gets 10 reviews, I'll post another chapter tonight.**


	2. Come Back, Be Here

Another dawn, another day. A new pain, deeper than yesterday's saturates the hollow space in my chest. My body protests any movement and even breathing is a strenuous task. I stare blankly at the wall, lost and alone in thoughts of Maura. My head aches with sleep deprivation and I know that I'll be downing coffee like an addict all day tomorrow.

The dark of the night has finally come, giving me the right to occupy my lonely bed._ I wish someone would sedate me, take me out of this shithole, let me live in my dreams. _Words mean so little when you're too late saying them. I could tell Maura that I love her today, right now, but I'd be too late. Maura's soft voice echoes off of the steep chasms in my mind. **"You're beautiful." "I love you, Jane." "Don't touch my tribal masks! They're fragile!" "Take me to bed." "Kiss me." "I love you, Jane Rizzoli."**

I can handle the fact that I can't physically be with Maura, but I cannot handle her hating me. Living without her is awful enough, I can't have Maura hate me on top of it. I remember the very last words she said to me. Like the worst memory of a nightmare, her words still haunt me. With tears streaming down her face, Maura half whispered, "Jane Rizzoli, I never want to see you again. Please remove yourself from my life..." That was it. I knew it was over.

Never in my life had I ever seen such sorrow in a pair of eyes. The profound sadness fueling Maura's goodbye still makes my stomach turn. Remembering the way she shook violently as she cried in that moment, makes me want to die. I would rather die in the most painful, humiliating way than see Maura in such agony and know that I'm the reason why.

I try to block the memory out, erecting thick and high mental walls, but it's no use. The images and sounds of that night come pouring through the floodgates like a tsunami. Maura's flushed cheeks, the tears falling from her long lashes, sharp breaths escaping her chest in bursts and bouts. The fitted, black dress sticking to my body as I ran after Maura. Steam swirling through grates on the ground, evaporating in the frigid night air. Screaming Maura's name in the middle of a crowded street, knowing that everything had changed in an instant.

If the roles were reversed, I would never forgive Maura. I don't blame her for hating me either, because I hate me too.

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The clock on my bedside table reads 3:19am. My exhausted body fights to support my wakeful mind as I lie in my bed. Rain continues to slide down my window and a distant roll of thunder breaks through the deafening silence. In a demented, slightly morbid way, the rumbling thunder makes me feel less alone. Somehow, the distant sound fills the hollow space in my chest.

Despite the early morning hour, I decide to go for a run to clear my mind. All I've felt for the past week has been sorrow, anguish and disappointment. It is high time that I boost my endorphins and relieve some of the emotional pain I'm harboring.

My new apartment is tucked away in an upscale Los Angeles neighborhood. Everyone is wealthy, everyone is secretive, everyone is power-hungry. Los Angeles boasts the same morals and virtues as my twisted upbringing. Nonetheless, I have to make this living situation work. I have to make my new position at the Los Angeles Police Department work. I have to.

My feet dangle precariously from the edge of my bed as I contemplate whether or not to get up. As daunting and unfavorable as exercise sounds right now, I know I need the endorphin rush. I need to feel something other than the pain of living without Jane. The carpet is soft between my toes as I walk to my dresser. Goosebumps prickle my warm skin as the cold air settles around me.

I pull my silk nightgown over my head, not bothering to be gentle. The sickening sound of fabric ripping causes me to pause. I hold the slinky gown in front of me, searching for the tear. Anger pulses at the forefront of my emotions and I throw the battered cloth across my room. Blinded by tears, pathetic rage roots me to the spot. _Pull it together._

Half naked, I crumble to the floor. My chest heaves as I struggle to breathe through the strangulation of my emotions. I love Jane so much it hurts, only the feeling is no longer pleasant. No matter what happened in the past, what happens now and what may happen in the future, there will never come a day when I don't love Jane Clementine Rizzoli. That is something I am sure of.

I pull at the fibrous strands of carpet beneath me, trying to occupy my relentless sadness. It's as if there is a rain cloud tethered to me, assigned to loom overhead, casting its ugly shadow upon me. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. There is no hope, there is no happiness and there is no damn light. I'm not even sure that the sun will rise anymore because I cannot assume that anything is ever constantly consistent. I can't believe that the sun will rise every morning because I can never be certain of anything ever again. I was certain that Jane loved me. I was certain. But you don't cheat on your significant other when you love them.

I push the thought of that night from my mind. The love I shared with Jane was the one real thing I've ever known. She was the first person to love me and accept me for everything that I am. Jane means more to me than anything has and likely ever will.

Shaking from the cold air surrounding me, I pull the duvet from my bed and wrap it around my exposed flesh. The white blanket is thick and comforting, cradling me in its private and safe confines. In the dark, I lay shuddering on the floor as sobs wrack my body. _I need you, Jane. More than you will ever know._

**Thank you so much for the follows, favorites, and reviews! I love hearing your thoughts and theories, so if you have any, please share! The next chapter will hold more info about their breakup so be patient. Also, I tried breaking the POV's last chapter but it didn't work, so I tried something else. Let me know if the switch is clearer this time around. Thanks again for reading!**


	3. The Ugly Truth

Farther down this rabbit hole I fall, deeper and deeper into a state of disbelief and depression. Parts of myself that I didn't even know existed yearn for Maura. For some godforsaken reason, our awful breakup is on instant replay in my mind... Like a fumble that caused the team to lose the Super Bowl. Maura's shattered, broken heart devours every ounce of happiness I once possessed. My skin crawls as I allow myself to fully revisit the devastation of that night.

It was raining. Headlights danced on the surface of the wet cement, like millions of tiny spotlights. The black, fitted dress I was wearing was uncomfortable and I felt overly self-conscious_. I feel like a tenderloin on sale at a meat market._ The heels that Maura had loaned me were rubbing blisters into my tender skin. _I wonder what Maura is doing._

The restaurant was out of my league as far as eateries go and ridiculously expensive to boot. Why people pay money to eat snails will forever be a mystery to me. I was undercover, investigating a huge lead on an Italian Mob boss. Due to the nature of previous undercover operations, Lieutenant Cavanaugh, my superior, made it clear that I was not to tell Maura about this. Paddy Doyle is to blame.

Obediently, I held my tongue and kept the sting operation a secret from Maura. Guilt ate craters into my stomach and a few days before that night, I nearly cracked under the pressure. I will regret holding the information from Maura until the day I die. I could have told her something, anything...but I didn't._ I couldn't._

My mission was to accompany the Mobster back to his house. The fate of our entire case rested solely on me getting into Stefano Nicoletti's headquarters; his home. This entire operation was on my back and there was absolutely no room for slip ups. I had to do whatever it took to get to his house. _I had to be his mistress._

A pit hung low in my stomach as I wished that Stefano Nicoletti was Maura. As hard as I tried to focus solely on the filthy Mobster in front of me, my mind was running elsewhere. My thoughts were far away from him and his dirty business deals. I was hopelessly lost in mental images of Maura. The small gap between her plump lips replaced Stefano's curled, snarling smile. The thought of her soft, thick, honey blonde locks between my fingers made my stomach bubble hot with lust.

Stefano paid the tab and held his arm out for me to take. Slipping my fingers in the crook of his arm, he guided me out of the restaurant. A car waited at the curb to whisk Stefano away and I began to panic. Our idle chit chat over snails and wine was painfully dull. _This isn't gonna cut it..._

"You gotta ride or you need one?" Stefano's Italian accent peeks through his slow tempo drawling. He is an attractive man, but I'm not attracted to him in the slightest. _Zero interest in scumbag mobsters._

_Play the part, Rizzoli._ I bat my lashes at Stefano and tighten my grasp on his bicep. Reflexively, he tightens the muscle, flexing his masculinity. A grin spreads across his dark, angular face. His thick eyebrows loom over intense, brown eyes, making him look dangerous. Stefano slowly raises his hand to my hair, maintaining concentrated eye contact. _Dominating me._ Thick knuckled, manly fingers brush the stray, curly tendrils from my face. His dark, mysterious gaze edges closer to me, closing the distance between us. _Please no…_

I wanted to slap his rough, stubbly face for even trying! Every cell in my body wanted to flee, to run away. However, if I don't comply and go with it, I put myself, my colleagues, and my family's lives on the line. Stefano's sharp, overpowering cologne suffocates me as he moves closer still.

Strong, warm hands pull and guide my face toward his. Instinctively, I close my eyes and tilt my chin up to meet his. A slow, passionate kiss erupts on my lips. I fight a disgusted grimace and match his moving lips. Stefano's dominant mouth pries my lips open and he flicks his tongue over my bottom lip. Hatred stirs inside of me as his greedy hands travel down my back. _God, I want to kill you…_

All of my senses fail me as I retreat into the darkest corners of my mind. _It's Maura, It's Maura, It's Maura...you're kissing Maura, Jane._ _Maura's big hazel eyes, her symphonic laughter, her porcelain skin, her smile...think of Maura. You can do this. Keep Maura, Frankie, Ma, Pop, Tommy and the rest of the world safe from assholes like Stefano. Do it, Jane…You have no other choice! _I kiss him back with as much passion as I can muster. I only hope I can convince Stefano because I cannot convince myself that I want him for shit.

"Ay Boss, we gotta roll out. Mackie Boy is holdin' up the Big Stiff for collateral damages...Vinnie says they're all balled up over some bumped off Jane." A gruff, accented voice speaks from a crack in the car's window, making my heart pound. Stefano releases my mouth and turns his gaze toward the black car idling beside us. My heart nearly stops beating at the sound of my real name. _Tonight, I am Catarina Affinito, not Jane Rizzoli._ _Play your part, Rizzoli!_ I take a silent, deep breath and try to calm my nerves.

Stefano unleashes a powerful, menacing scowl at the man behind the tinted window. I can see myself in the reflection of the heavily tinted window. The driver mentioned something about a dead woman that was killed by someone called "Big Stiff" or one of his fellow cronies. _Give me a name, dammit! Who is the woman?_

Stefano clears his throat, his hand still flexed on my backside. "Who's the dame?" Anticipation builds in my stomach, adrenaline coursing through my body. _Say it!_ _Say her name!_

"A broad named Maria Vendetti...said she was done in a couple-a days ago in an abandoned somewhere over in the waterfront district. Said it looked like an inside job..." The low, gruff voice speaks from behind the tinted window. _Never heard that name before. Maria Vendetti._ I glance again at my reflection and a red mass catches my attention.

I focus on the red-colored reflection for a moment, drawn to the escape it gives me. The reflection is not a light or paint on a storefront. The diluted image of red is coming from clothing, as it takes the form of a body. _Someone is watching us..._

"It's always an inside job...you got a way home, babe?" Stefano turns his attention to me once more, sliding his greedy hand up to my lower back and massaging the area with his fingers. I pry my eyes from the red-clothed bystander and look into Stefano's deadly eyes. I fight the urge to glare at him.

"'Course I do. I got feet haven't I?" I smile wryly at him and purse my lips. Stefano slides his warm hands over my backside once more and pulls me closer to him. _Don't touch me! Don't grab my ass like it's yours. Don't…just don't!_

"I'll call you..." Stefano leans his face in to kiss me one last time. His powerful, forceful lips take over my mouth momentarily. _Maura, Maura, Maura. _I smash my lips into his, angry that I am forced to kiss him.

"See ya soon, baby!" I call after Stefano as he strides to the passenger door. The red mass still stands behind me a couple of paces back. I wait for the black car to pull around the corner and disappear until I turn around.

A sinking feeling hangs in my stomach, foreboding something terrible. Slowly, I turn around to face what I already know to be true. A raindrop falls onto my forehead, cold and wet. When our eyes meet, I know that the sky is weeping on my behalf. The red-clothed bystander is Maura.

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Sore and stiff I awaken on my bedroom floor. Somber, grey-tinted sunlight filters in through my closed blinds. Wrapped tightly in my duvet, I lie still in a fetal position. The silence in the room pounds heavily on my eardrums, reminding me that I am completely alone. _Don't bother moving, you can't possibly be worth anything. Lay here to die.  
_  
For the next hour, I continue to lie on the coarse, white-carpeted floor. I stare blankly at the baby blue wall, examining every wrinkle in its design. Visions of Jane crowd their way into my head, threatening my tender wounds with memories. In a distant memory, I can see Jane on her couch, sipping on a beer, watching the Nightly News. I brought my glass of wine from Jane's kitchen into the living room. Setting my drink on the wooden coffee table, I stood blatantly in Jane's field of vision.

"You make a better door than a window, ya know?" Jane smirked jokingly at me and tossed back another mouthful of Coors Light.

"You know you make a better couch cushion than sex partner?" I shot back smartly and placed my hands defensively on my hips. Jane narrowed her eyes at me, and they burned with the promise to prove me wrong.

Jane sat upright very slowly, easily and sensually. She placed her half- empty beer bottle on the wooden coffee table next to my wine. I inched closer to Jane until we were touching. My fingers twirled around in her curly hair, I gazed down to look at her. Jane breathed deeply, filling her lungs with my scent and tilted her head back to meet my eyes. Noses touching, Jane and I stared into each other's eyes.

The kisses began slowly, our lips locking rhythmically. Little pecks sizzling on my eager lips, Jane's mouth finding mine in perfect time. Her hands inching down my spine with comfortable ease, enticed my every sense. Jane's lips were soft and welcoming like the underside of a rose petal.

In unison, Jane guiding and me giving in, I straddled her sitting body. One of my legs bent on either side of Jane's lap, my knees pressed into the couch cushion. I stole a moment to look at Jane, to see the passion and exhilaration garnishing every facial feature she possesses. Jane flitted her eyes open and drew in a sharp breath.

"I love you, Jane." I whispered onto her parted lips before kissing her again. I knew in the back of my mind that Jane wouldn't say the vow back to me, but I needed her to know.

Jane responded by kissing me deeper and more sincerely. My hands moved to her neck and I could feel the furious beat of her heart pulsating from her Carotid artery. I rubbed the thick, thumping vein with the side of my thumb. Jane's skin felt like silk and I got lost in its tantalizing warmth. Her long, thin fingers curled around the backs of my thighs.

Purposefully and gradually, our tongues found solace and belonging in each other's mouths. I felt alive inside for the first time in far, far too long. A fire, dark and unnervingly pleasant, weeded its way throughout my body rendering me sexually frustrated. Beautiful, familiar butterflies took flight in my stomach, making me dizzy with pleasure.

I wanted Jane, right then and there. I wanted her more than I had ever wanted anyone else. Holding back joyous tears, I kissed Jane until I couldn't handle it any longer. She was the gasoline, fueling the fire that was eating me alive. I unbuttoned the long sleeved white shirt Jane so often wore and guided it gently off of her tan shoulders.

I kissed a trail of tender pecks down Jane's neck, along her Clavicle bone and to the edge of her shoulder. Our eyes found each other and I studied her gaze. Jane's arms wrapped around my waist, pulling me closer to her. One solitary, soft, sweet kiss landed on my lips and rippled through my body like a tidal wave. My eyes were alight with satisfaction and unadulterated lust, and I felt wildly free.

Jane unzipped the cream colored dress that I wore that day. I remember thinking that I didn't care if she ripped the $1200 dress, as long as it came off. Up and over my head, Jane cautiously eased the dress off of me. With my arms still above my head, Jane kissed me with heightened arousal and delirious irresistibility.

_Stop it, Maura. Stop! You cannot continue to dwell...No, stupid Brain, I will if I so please. I still love Jane... No you don't. Yes, I do. Yes, I do. Yes, I do! Are you entirely positive? Yes, I am positive...I am. Really? Well, yes. But are you really sure? You know, she did cheat on you... Yes, I am aware. And yet, you continue to love her? Love cannot be helped...oh, yes it can. Shut up, no it cannot!_

Suddenly, my alarm clock sounds off, making me jump. I wipe my cold, damp cheeks and sit upright on the floor of my bedroom. Wrapping the blanket around my bare shoulders, I stand up to turn my alarm off. Hunger rumbles deep in my stomach, but the emptiness is welcome. At least I know I can still feel something as trivial as hunger and that I'm not entirely numb all the time.

Today, I start my first day of work here in Los Angeles. _Breathe, Maura, you can absolutely conquer today._ _Think positive thoughts!_ After all, Gandhi once said, "You may never know what results come of your action, but if you do nothing there will be no result." _You can do this, Maura. No, I cannot...but I have to._

**I love hearing your thoughts, please continue letting me know what you guys think! Also, thank you to the few people that started following me on tumblr…y'all are amazing and I love you. Thank you for reading and supporting this story! I'll update again either later tonight or tomorrow.**


	4. Fall, Crash, Burn, Repeat

Warm clouds of breath escaped Maura's mouth, evaporating into the chilly night air. In the split second that our eyes met, my entire world crumbled and broke into two. _She saw everything._ I physically felt myself cracking in half, like a gaping abyss separated my head from my heart. I wanted to explain that I was undercover, that the woman kissing Stefano was Catarina and not me, but my hands were tied. My head told me "you can't" but my heart told me "you have to". There is nothing I could have said to justify my unwanted infidelity to Maura.

I could feel the shock waves of confusion knocking against Maura's unsuspecting consciousness. I could feel the hurt coursing through her body, threatening to incapacitate her. The anguish Maura was in radiated off of her tear-streaked face, burning through my soul. It should be a capital offense to destroy something so breathtakingly pure and beautiful. _I destroyed Maura._ My breath hitched in the back of my throat and tears flooded my vision, distorting the busy lights of the city.

Maura stood silently weeping, holding a purse in one hand and roses in the other. Rain drops were falling from the black sky, and the symbolism could not have been more appropriate. Puddles formed in the cracks of the pavement and cars sloshed around on the wet roadway. The flowers slipped from Maura's fingers as she hurries away down the street, her hair bouncing slightly with each step.

I spun around in my little black dress, checking for any of Stefano's fellow mafia members. I couldn't be sure that I wasn't being watched, so I had to stay in relative character. I threw my arms daintily over my head to shield the rain and started running after Maura. Water splashed everywhere and by the time I caught up to her, I was soaked.

I placed my hand on her wet shoulder, the warmth of her skin evident under her coat. "Maura, please...wait!" I couldn't force the terror out of my voice and it was easily detectable. _This cannot be happening.  
_  
Maura jerked around and poked an angry finger into my chest. I threw my arms up in surrender, palms facing her. Her eyes were dangerous, but also undeniably wounded. I wrapped my hands around her arms, trying to hold onto Maura in any possible way. "Don't touch me! I don't want your hands on me." Maura's demand came out with such intense emotion that it struck me to the core and I began to cry. Rain drops clung to Maura's hair and eyelashes, making her look even more beautiful.

"Maura..." I cried desperately. There is nothing I can do to save this relationship. _I can't say anything_. I would rather a shark eat me alive than look into Maura's eyes and see the magnitude of the pain they hold.

A half whisper, half heartbroken whimper emanates from Maura's mouth, "Jane Rizzoli, I never want to see you again. Please remove yourself from my life..." Every word was enunciated with thick emotion. The ever so graceful Doctor Maura Isles never fails to stay classy, even through the pain of a broken heart.

The words took a moment for my overloaded brain to register. Her declaration sank deep into my core, weighing me down like an anchor. The hurt and confusion etched into Maura's beautiful features still makes me sick. "Baby, please don't do this..." My voice came out weak and fragile; broken.

Maura stared into my eyes, searching for an answer that I couldn't give her and then she left. Just like that, she was gone. The only thing I could do was stand in the pouring rain and weep. I yelled her name as she walked down the crowded street. People ran for cover to escape the stormy weather, but I stood dripping wet, rooted to the spot, for the next hour. I didn't care about Stefano and the Italian Mafia anymore. The only thing running through my mind was Maura.

That night, I walked 10 miles in high heels and a tight black dress to get home. I was shaking so bad from the drop in my body temperature that it took me a good 5 minutes to unlock my front door. My feet were rubbed raw and blotches of diluted, watery blood covered my squished toes. I tortured myself by not changing into dry clothes because all I wanted to do was die. _I still want to die._

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By some cosmic miracle, I made myself presentable and forced myself to drive to work. Remind me to thank my lucky stars tonight. The Los Angeles police department is quite large and I got lost a couple of times before I found my new office. Apparently, the bottom floor is used for much more than a morgue here.

This morning was a blur of new faces, new rules, new cases and new criteria to learn. The people are friendly enough, but I feel that their kindness is unnatural and forced. I don't like it one bit. My office supplies and decor have not been shipped over from Boston yet, so I sit alone here in a dim, cheaply furnished room. _More along the lines of a glorified closet..._

"Excuse me, are you Doctor Isles?" A smooth, deep voice breaks through the silence in my small office. I just want to be alone, doesn't anyone understand that?

"Yes." I peel my eyes from a large stain on the carpet that I have been observing for the past hour to turn my attention to the intruder. A tall, sturdy man stands in the doorway with a hand resting casually in his pants pocket.

"Is my presence bothersome?" His thick, dark eyebrows furrow with genuine concern. The curious spark in his blue eyes is enticingly inviting. It's as if he holds a secret of mine captive and is coaxing me to unveil it.

"Not in the least. Please, come in." My voice is gentle and light. Beautiful memories of me and Jane working together flood my mind as this man enters my office. _Never again…not another colleague._

"Forgive me, but you are not at all how I envisioned 'Maura Isles'." His velvety, deep voice carries through the small office space with ease. The man sits comfortably in the chair before my desk, loosely crossing one leg over the other. _Don't go there, Maura._

"I'm sorry? Forgive me, unidentified stranger, but I'm afraid you've yet to introduce yourself..." My tone is both serious and playful. There is something sensual about his body language, making me play along with his mind games. _No, Maura…_

"I pictured 'Maura Isles' to be quite large, maybe a little bit harrier than your average female, with spectacles and bad teeth...but I was obviously sorely mistaken." The man continues on with his blind interpretation of me. He shifts in the chair, making a steeple with his long fingers. He is intelligent and holds himself with casual pride...and I am ridiculously intrigued. _He's not going to be good for you…_

I frown for a moment, but a smile plays dangerously on my lips. "To what do I owe this unexpected...displeasure?" My eyes are alight with antagonizing truth. I'm fishing for answers, but the fish are not biting my bait... _My fuse is rather short today so this is no time to be coy, dear stranger._

"You would think that one so insatiably intelligent would not be easy on the eyes...but here you are, Doctor Isles." His voice is even and smooth as ever. His words caress my ears, making me dangle on the edge of my seat. _How many times are you going to let him insult you? He's not! Is he?_

I narrow my eyes at him and he grins receptively. I'm not sure what this man wants or even who he is, but somehow I want him to both stay and leave. "You are aware that this is a Police Station, right? And security is not difficult to call upon..." I cock an eyebrow in mild irritation.

"Am I that mysterious?" The man cocks an imitative eyebrow in my direction. This man's pathetic attempt at trying to woo me is more than I can take right now. Although he is beautiful to the point of utter distraction, I feel the need to put him in his place. _Let him have it, he won't want it anymore._

"Pardon me, but I have had the worst week of my life...my girlfriend and I broke up, I moved clear across the country, I live in a new house, I work in a new office, I absolutely hate stupid Los Angeles and now some handsome stranger is trying to play mind games with me..." The words fall from my lips in a frenzy. All of my pent up frustration exploded onto this unlucky, desperate man and angry tears begin to stream down my cheeks.

"What are you doing?" The man places his hands on his knees in alarm. His dark blue eyes are wide with caution as he studies my face.

"...I'm crying..." I mumble softly. My arms cross with the wave of self-consciousness that washes over me. _And he's incredibly rude and not at all charming…oh, would you be quiet, brain?  
_  
"No, stop...I can deal with a lot of things, but tears...just...please stop crying." The nameless man creases his forehead and scratches his graying hairline anxiously. _What a strange reaction to intense emotion..._

"I think you should go..." I am exhausted and embarrassed and I just want to be alone. I want to cry in peace.

The man gets to his feet and nods his head with understanding. I watch him stride to the door, taking in the masculine curvature of his back muscles. He turns around in the doorway and places his hand casually in his pocket once more. "Max Shea... Doctor Max Shea."

"What?" I dab at my sodden cheeks, with the backs of my hands. The man's words fumble around in my mind.

"My name...you asked for it earlier; Max Shea." The annoyingly charming man smiles genuinely in my direction. Compassion ebbs at the corners of his deep blue eyes, telling me that he somehow understands. The same depth that I lost myself in in Jane's eyes, oddly matches the profoundness of Doctor Shea's eyes.

Instead of studying the indigo colored flecks of his irises, I nod a silent "thank you". Doctor Shea grins once more and then ducks out of the door. Familiar butterflies take flight in my stomach and I do my best to silence them._ Maura, there is no more getting involved with co-workers...knock it off!  
_  
The door to my office shuts with a loud, resounding "click". I close my eyes and all I can see is Jane smiling over at me, white linen sheets folding in around her face. I feel the dark clouds of depression looming overhead, just waiting to drown me in agony. I pull my eyes open in a desperate attempt to flee from the pain. _All Jane is now, is a beautiful memory..._

**Hello again, wonderful person! Thank you for reading and following this story…your comments are valued and always welcome! Please let me know how you like the story so far Also, thanks again to those that have followed me on tumblr! I love hearing your thoughts, so please continue to leave comments! More to come tomorrow.**


	5. Giving In

"Take my hand, Jane..." Maura's sinfully sweet voice coos in my ear. Honey blonde tendrils caress the porcelain smooth skin covering her sculpted cheekbones. Piercing, yet gentle hazel eyes blink before me, holding my gaze. I reach out to touch Maura, to run my fingers along the tender skin of her knuckles.

Maura backs away from my advance and grins enticingly, daring me to chase her. A wry smile plays on my lips as I move forward yet again, tauntingly. Suddenly the mood changes, pinning darkness all around me. Fear eats away at the growing pit in my stomach causing me to gasp loudly. I try to pull air into my lungs, but the weight of the dark atmosphere forbids it. I know in my heart that something terrible is about to happen, but I can't seem to wake myself up. Maura comes into focus as a dim light casts shadows on her face.

"No, Jane...I don't love you anymore. Remove yourself from my life." Maura's voice is bland and lifeless, just like it was the night I was with Stefano. So monotonous was her tone that I knew she was wounded beyond repair. I knew that those few words were the hardest words to ever fall from her lips as they were equally as hard to hear.

Sweaty and in a panic, I open my eyes to the innate darkness of the night. _Just a dream, Rizzoli...but I don't want to remember Maura in that way._ I want to remember her as the woman I wanted to marry, to spend the rest of my life with. I want to remember the beautiful moments wrapped in sheets, Maura's hair falling around my face. I want to remember the time spent with her lying beneath the stars and her showing me every cluttered constellation illuminating the night sky.

I went to work yesterday and the new Medical Examiner was introduced to me. You wouldn't believe my shock when I found out that it wasn't that whack-job Doctor Pike. Everyone knows he's been pining for Maura's position since the day she came to Boston. I was surprised to find straight, long brown hair sitting in the Medical Examiner's designated office. _Who the hell are you?_

"Hi, I'm detective Jane Rizzoli...you must be the new M.E." I tried to pretend that Maura never existed here and that she only lived in my dreams. I try desperately, but Maura's office holds so many memories.

"Oh hello- yes, I'm the new Doctor Isles. My name is Olivia Brandt, but you can call me Liv or Doctor Brandt." Her bright blue eyes stare into mine as she holds out a friendly hand for me to shake.

"Nice to meet you, Doctor Brandt. Well, I'll let you get back to whatever it is that you're doing..." I shake her outstretched hand and look curiously toward the beakers and Petri dishes spread out over her desk.

Olivia blushes a light pink and smiles warmly toward me. She tucks chocolate brown bangs behind her ear and places her hands on her desk. "Forgive me for asking but, I'm new to the Boston area...is there a decent restaurant near our building? I didn't bring myself lunch..."

I scoff loudly inside of my head trying to will myself to not roll my eyes. _You aren't Maura, therefore I am uninterested, lady._ "Yeah, there's Freddie's Burger place about a block to the left and then there's China Villa a couple blocks to the right." My voice is friendly enough, but my body language is reserved and guarded.

"China Villa...that sounds so good! Would you like to join me? I don't bite, I promise." Olivia's voice is genuine and holds no trace of an ulterior motive. _Sink or swim, Rizzoli._

I don't want to accept, but I also don't want to deny. I look around in contemplation for a moment, trying to decide. I have no desire to eat or be in anyone's company but, I'm not really in a position to push anyone else away. Silently, I take a deep, bracing breath and nod my head slightly. "Sure...I could go for some Chinese right now."

Olivia beams at me and I can feel the innocent jubilance of her youth preceding her professional demeanor. A child-like aura radiates from Doctor Brandt as she clasps her hands in her lap. "I'll meet you by the elevator in about twenty minutes?" Her voice holds the promise of a new friendship and is strangely soft.

"See ya then!" I smile at Olivia and turn to excuse myself from the room. Normally, I would have written her off, but I can tell she's got something special. I shake my head as I walk casually toward the elevator. _What are you doing? Who are you?_

The elevator doors slide open and I step into the small space. I press the number 3 button and the elevator doors close once more. For the next twenty seconds, the rest of the world does not exist. There are no murdered civilians, no babies to protect, no rapists, no cops, no woman, no men. I am alone in my own little world where nothing ever happens; good or bad. I am simply existing in this small, rectangular room.

A happy-sounding "ding" snaps me from my reverie and I can't help but feel annoyed. I'm annoyed that the entire population of Boston, Massachusetts is uncharacteristically friendly. I'm annoyed that people have the nerve to smile at me when all I want them to do is slap me across the face. _Don't they know that I'm a monster? Don't they know that I broke an innocent woman's heart? _

"Hey, Rizzoli, you're lookin' good! Did you do something new with your hair?" A familiar voice calls to me from a few feet away. _Oh, knock off the act…_

"Cut it out, Korsak, okay? I would feel better if you just clocked me in the face a couple times..." I make my way to Korsak's side, but cannot look him in the eyes. _He knows me too well..._

"Sorry, Jane...I know you miss her." Korsak rests a hand on my shoulder and I all but lose it right then and there. I sniffle a couple of times trying to rid myself of the intense emotions building up inside of me. Even remembering his truthful words now, hours later, makes my eyes burn with unshed tears. I pull my blanket up to my chin and hug the pillow that still smells like Maura. _I'm never washing this. Ever.  
_  
I do miss Maura. I miss Maura so much that I might actually be going through withdrawals like a drug addict. That is the only thing I'm able to compare this amount of torture to. I am a drug addict, only my drug of choice is Maura. I need her like a ship needs the ocean. The ship may be able to exist without an ocean, but it serves no purpose on dry land. I have no purpose without Maura as my ocean and all I'm doing is exhausting my fuel tank trying to live without her.

I roll over onto my side and look out of my bedroom window. _I know you're out there somewhere, Maura.  
_

The sound of rain gathering into shallow puddles outside filters in through my bedroom window. Although it is closed, cold air seeps in through the thin glass. The chill in the air sticks to my bones, piercing every nerve like a knife.

I wrap my duvet around myself and bring my arms in close to my chest. My stomach aches with intense longing for Jane. If only I could hear her voice, then I might be able to sleep...it is nearly 3am in Boston so the likelihood of Jane answering my call is slim to none.

_Maura, can you really handle this? If she answers...what will you do? She won't answer. What would you say? No, you would obviously hang up quickly. She's not going to answer...it's 3 in the morning. Are you sure you can do this? Yes. I have to._

I push myself up off of my bed and my feet find the floor with ease. The wooden floorboards are glacial and my bare feet protest the change in temperature. Nimbly, I make my way down the hallway and into the foyer where my purse hangs from a hook. I dig my hand into the soft leather bag and locate my cellphone.

By memory, I dial Jane's number and listen to the inevitable, perpetual ringing. Anxiously, I wait for the call to go to Jane's answering machine. _Please don't answer…I just want to hear your voicemail._

"Rizzoli." A half asleep, groggy voice cuts through the static. My heart skipped a beat or two from the astonishment of hearing Jane's raspy voice. I inhale sharply, breaking my own silence. _My favorite raspy voice…_

"Who is this?" The rising fear in Jane's voice sends shivers down my spine. Not even breath will escape my lips and I begin to panic. _Hang up, Maura!_

Tears well up in my eyes and my fingers wrap tightly around the phone. _Who the hell was I trying to kid?_ I can't hang up the phone because it is my only connection to Jane. This call is our lifeline and although I ended our relationship, I can't disconnect.

"Jane..." Her name escapes my lips in a breathy, tormented whisper. I need Jane, even if only to lose myself in her raspy voice. My abdomen constricts as I try to breathe silently.

A moment's pause leaves metallic-tasting fear in the back of my throat. Adrenaline courses through my veins and my heart crashes furiously against my ribs. "Maura?" Jane's voice is incredulous and I can tell she is holding back tears.

"Yes...it's me, Jane." I try to camouflage the pain in my voice as the image of her kissing a suave looking man settles in my mind. I lean against the front door and slink to the cold floor. I feel like a sinking ship.

"Is everything okay?" Jane sniffles twice and clears her throat and I want to ask her the same. I want to scream at her and tell her I hate her for what she did to me, but I don't have it in me. I don't hate Jane and I don't think I ever really could. I pull my knees in towards my chest and wrap my free arm around them.

"I should go...I'm sorry, I know it's late there and-" I panic and my voice starts quivering. I have never felt more homesick in my entire life. _It was such a mistake to move here._

"No, Maur, please don't go...just stay here with me." Jane pleads through silent tears, but I can hear the distinct change in her voice as her nostrils become clogged. A fire ignites within the barren confines of my chest. Its soft glowing embers penetrate the dark decay of my soul. _I need Jane…_

**Sorry it's taken me so long to update! A lot has been happening over here…anyway, I hope you like this chapter and I will try to post another chapter tomorrow. Comments are always appreciated! I love hearing your feedback! Thanks for following this story and thank you for your thoughts. You are so wonderful!**


	6. An Invitation

Electricity pulses through my veins, jump starting my fragile heart and making it pound. _Maura, my Maura, called..._ My mind is vacant yet painfully full at the same time. I want to say so many things to her, but my brain is overwhelmed. I bite my lip anxiously and the sharp, copper taste of blood lets me know that I'm still alive.

"Maur?" My voice is timid and vulnerable, but I don't care. I just want to hear Maura talk to me. She could say anything and it would be music to my eager ears.

I began pacing about ten minutes ago when I found out that my mystery caller was Maura. I still feel the little butterflies whirling around, adrenaline-induced and wildly excited.

"I'm not sure what I should say to be honest, Jane. I don't know if I should scream or whisper. I'm not certain of anything right now...all I do know is that I miss you to the degree of physical exhaustion. I am tired of missing you, Jane...I'm so tired!" Maura's voice is filled with an array of intense emotion. I can feel the pain of her longing through the phone and it leaves me with goosebumps. _I'm so sorry…_

"Baby, I'm so sorry... I promise you that I will make this better, Maura, I promise. None of this was to hurt you, believe me. I want to kick my own ass for breaking your heart..." I want to tell her every minute detail of what happened that night, but I swore I wouldn't. Besides, if I were to reveal my undercover mission to Maura, I wouldn't do it over the phone. Nothing over the phone is secure…

"Please don't promise me anything, Jane. I can't take another letdown from you...because this is by far the worst pain I've ever endured. This is torturous." Maura's tone is dark and troubled. I pace to my bedroom window and peer down to the city below. I wish my beautiful genius was hiding somewhere just beyond the glass in front of me. _But she's thousands of miles away…_

I am infuriated that I cannot say anything about Stefano to Maura. I push out a gust of angry breath as I try to conjure up a way to mend the situation. "I have to fix this, Maura, I don't care what I lose along the way if it means that I never ever have to live without you again. Can I come to you?" My hands are shaking like dry, brittle leaves in the wind. I try to swallow back my fear, but the feeling lingers deep within me.

After a long, contemplative moment, Maura finally breaks the silence. "Not now, Jane...soon, but not now." Tears sting my eyes and I crumple to the floor in a heap of hopelessness.

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Every ounce of self-restraint that I possess was depleted as I spoke with Jane tonight. Hearing the gentle rasp in her voice, just as sensual as my memories prove, was exhaustingly difficult. I wanted to break down and take Jane back more than I will ever be able to explain with words. My eyes were closed the entire time as I pictured Jane lying next to me, huddled under thick blankets. As my mind painted beautiful scenes of Jane here with me, I was painfully aware that she is on the other end of the continent.

I would have dropped everything so that Jane could have flown here on the first plane out of Boston. I would have quit my job, sold my house and met Jane at the terminal. The amount of things that I would give up is infinite so long as she and I are together. That is precisely why I cannot let her come to Los Angeles. I can't lose myself in Jane anymore. As much as it kills me, I am doing the best for myself. For the time being, I have to be selfish and focus on my career.

The next few hours pass like minutes and soon morning light creeps through my drawn curtains. I decide to shower and get an early start on my charts this morning. I was pretty useless as both a contribution to society and a Medical Examiner yesterday from drowning in the steep darkness of my depression. Spending that precious time on the phone with Jane is what is going to get me through today. It is safe to say that I am still entirely in love with Jane. An all-knowing sensation within the innermost depths of my stomach tells me that I will never get over her. Like the earth is undoubtedly beneath the ocean's waves, so my heart is forever held in Jane's fingertips.

Even as I work, I continue to lace pleasant memories of Jane through the endless facets of my mind. Flashes of beautiful moments between me and Jane play before my eyes like a romantic movie. The times we spent cuddled on the couch watching sports, Jane falling asleep with her head in my lap, running outside barefoot and in pajamas just to kiss beneath the falling rain. Those moments of pure bliss when we embraced, when Jane held me in her arms, when the touch of her skin made everything right.

The magnitude of shock I still feel from breaking up with Jane continues to shake me. Seeing her wrapped around another person will always haunt me. The image of the handsome man falling in love with Jane, the look of unrequited adoration on his scruffy face, tears a pit in the bottom of my stomach. _Especially since she was mine_. Especially because the man eyed Jane, my Jane, like she was the only woman in the world. I try to shake the thought of her loving someone else and concentrate on our conversation earlier. I think back and try to picture myself. _What were my expressions? Did she hear the desperation in my voice_?

"Knock, knock..." A deep, but cheery voice sounds from behind me as a soft knock raps on the door to the morgue. I turn to see my colleague, Dr. Maxwell Shea smiling in the doorway. _Oh, you handsome devil, leave me alone…_

"Dr. Shea, nice to see you...can I help you with something?" I try to engage as little as possible, but I can't seem to get around him. Dr. Shea strides across the room towards me with ease. I want to hide from him.

"Same to you, Maura. As a matter of fact there is something I was hoping you'd help me with..." Dr. Shea stands on the opposite side of the patient lying on the table in front of me. A sweet, musty scent fills my lungs and I reflexively take a step closer to him. _No, Maura, slice the body in front of you and pay no attention to Dr. Shea…_

"What is it?" A small part of me wishes for the attractive man to embrace me, to push his lips against mine, but I silence my longing. Strict professionalism is my newest mantra. Besides, I only want him because I want to feel something other than sadness. I want to hurt Jane, but I won't. _Even though she deserves it…  
_  
Dr. Shea raises his hand and runs nervous fingers through his thick locks, ending in him scratching the back of his head. "Well, I need a sophisticated, dedicated, preferably attractive woman, such as yourself, to accompany me to a Winter Wonderland Ball. It's an undercover assignment to collect intellect and secure a position within an extremely active sector of mobsters."

**Sorry about the wait! I've suddenly become very busy in the past week. Anyway, I hope you like this chapter! Sorry it's so short…Promise the next chapter will be longer! As always, I love hearing your feedback and thoughts. This story is about to get a little crazy so get ready! Thank you for reading and following**


	7. Doctor Down

"Jane...uh detective Rizzoli...hi, can I speak with you a minute?" Olivia, the new Medical Examiner strides down the hallway to me. She wears a white lab coat over her coral colored dress and she looks absolutely stunning. I would be panting at the sight of her right now, but she just isn't Maura. _I'm not in love with her…I just…I don't think I'll ever love someone else. I will always love Maura. Always. _

"Sure, Olivia...you okay?" I'm relaxed as I speak with her, but I can't help my racing thoughts. Olivia's blue eyes illuminate with an inner warmth and I feel completely at ease even though my mind is full of speculation. _Something just feels weird…I can't put my finger on it, but something just isn't right._

Olivia flashes me her dazzlingly white teeth in a friendly smile and wraps me in a tight hug. My first instinct is to push her away and place some distance between us. I've never been the affectionate type and frankly, I hardly know this woman. I move to politely maneuver myself from Olivia's grasp, but the warmth of her torso against mine draws me nearer. In a moment I am lost in her embrace and I fight the sudden urge to sob on her shoulder. _Why can't you be Maura?_

Olivia releases me and places her hands on my outstretched forearms, still keeping physical contact. "I wanted to let you know that I appreciate your friendship so very much...and that it's really nice to have a female friend. Most of my friends back home are men, you see." _Please stop touching me, lady…_

I can't help the grin I'm so guiltily wearing. Is it ironic that the new Medical Examiner is a smoking hot woman? _Maybe._ Is it ironic that we went to lunch privately? _Perhaps._ The strangest thing of all, though, is that I feel less than nothing for Olivia. I don't long to run my fingers along her soft skin or to kiss her glossed lips. My heart and soul belong to Maura and somehow I know that that will never change.

Olivia drops my arms to take a sip of her coffee so I awkwardly perch my hands on my hips. "Yeah, anytime. You don't have to thank me, Olivia, I would want the same if I were new somewhere. Everyone needs someone, ya know?" I'm having a very hard time keeping a serious tone because this situation is comedic gold. I continue smiling like the complete idiot that I am as she takes another sip from her cup.

I glance down the hall, subconsciously looking for Maura, but she doesn't come. I have to remind myself that Maura left without much to trace. This still feels so surreal to me and I feel the suffocating darkness loom overhead as I remember the forbidden night. I cast my gaze back to Olivia as she seems oddly out of breath and I wonder silently if her clothes are too tight. She looks panic stricken all of a sudden and her eyes dart around the room quickly, searching. "Olivia?" I reach out to touch her arm as her eyes roll into the back of her head. _What the hell?_

I watch in slow motion, as if every individual movement is its own separate frame; Olivia's knees buckle beneath her. Skin as pale as a bleak winter morning, she slowly crumples toward the floor. I react quickly and manage to wrap my arms around Olivia's small waist, baring the majority of her weight. Slowly and gently, I ease her to the floor. _Oh my god…_

"I need a medic over here!" I yell out to anyone within earshot. Fear pricks at the nape of my neck and my heart accelerates, pounding madly inside of my chest. _The coffee…is she allergic? Did she faint? What is going on? I bet Maura would know…I'll go see…oh…right._

"What the hell's going on, Rizzoli?" Korsak's familiar voice moves closer to my position on the floor with Olivia. I turn my head to face him, just to be sure of his identity. _Never far are you, Korsak?_

The slightly wrinkled, over-the-hill face of my former partner comes into view, confirming my recognition of Korsak's voice. He wears a confused and concerned expression, which tells me that he's looking for answers. I don't know what to tell Korsak because I'm just as much at a disadvantage as he is. I wish Maura were here to explain this to both of us.

Worriedly, I shrug my shoulders and shake my head. "I don't know...we were talking and all of a sudden she was out of breath and the next thing I knew, she was falling unconscious to the ground!"

Korsak looks down at Olivia with wide eyes and his face turns ashen with fear. "Is she dead? Do CPR!" He kneels next to me and checks her pulse as I hold her head in my lap. _CPR? How the fuck…?_

"Anything?" My voice is even as I fight the emotion building in my core. I glance over at Korsak and notice that a crowd has started to form. _Please tell me she didn't just croak in front of my face…_

"Nothing..." His arms drop to his sides in defeat. I hear the distant wails of the ambulance pulling to a stop outside of the station. _Too late…_

"Make way...Paramedics!" A man's voice shouts from behind the crowd. Quickly, the crowd separates and allows room for the paramedics to rush over to us.

"We've got it from here...thank you for your help. An officer is waiting to get a statement from you both and any witnesses..." The young male paramedic points to the right, toward the officer waiting for us.

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"I would love to accompany you, Dr. Shea! As a friend and colleague, of course." I am genuinely touched that he chose to ask me to a Ball. When Maxwell entered the morgue, I expected him to badger me with apologies for his previous actions. The thought of him asking me to such an event never crossed my mind, not even the possibility of it. _What a pleasant surprise..._

"Wonderful! I was thinking of wearing just plain old black and white...I figured that would be easy for you to match and it will also be easier for us to blend into a crowd." Dr. Shea smiles widely at me as if he's just won a trophy. His cockiness makes me cringe, but I'm also strangely attracted to it.

"Are you planning on wearing white, cream, eggshell, ivory...? I need to know the shade so that I may dress appropriately." I grin back condescendingly, hoping that he will take the hint. _You just brought a stick to a sword fight…  
_  
"Perhaps you should choose our attire yourself, Dr. Isles. You seem to know more than I in the fashion department." Maxwell winks at me as he turns to leave the morgue. I shake my head in mild aggravation but a smile still plays on my lips. _Charming bastard…_

My phone rings just as the doors close after Dr. Shea. I take my bright blue gloves off and reach for my cellphone. "This is Dr. Isles..." I speak into the receiver.

"Maur, it's me..." My favorite raspy voice carries through the phone. I have to sit down on the stool behind me..._am I hallucinating?_

"Jane?" I ask just to be positively sure and also because I can't believe she's calling me. Butterflies dance around in my stomach to the melody of Jane's voice.

"Yeah..." Jane sniffles and breathes sharply into the phone. My stomach drops and I rise from the stool to begin pacing around the morgue. _Something is wrong…_

"Jane, are you okay?" My voice is soft and gentle. I know Jane well enough to know that she isn't calling me crying because she misses me. Her pride would never allow her to.

"I'm fine, but the new Medical Examiner, Olivia Brandt, died this morning..." Jane's voice breaks and nearly brings me to tears. It hurts me to hear the pain in her voice. _I wish I could comfort her._

"Oh my...how? Is there a cause of death yet?" I pace the length of the cold morgue as I ponder this strange tragedy. _What an odd thing to happen, especially to my replacement…_

"No, babe...uh Maura...sorry. No there isn't anyone that can examine her body. Pike is running around down in South America…so we need you." Jane stumbles over her words and I blush a deep red at her accidental use of a pet name. I can't fight the smile on my lips or the pain that that simple word causes me. _Babe…_

"Are you asking me to examine Dr. Brandt's body? Jane..." I take a deep, relaxing breath and try to focus on maintaining my cortisol levels. _Just breathe._

"Yeah, but it isn't for me, Maur...Cavanaugh told me I had to call because I'm the reason the station lost you in the first place." Jane's voice is quiet and full of self-conviction. _Oh, Jane…_

If Jane didn't sound so shaken up, I would refuse, but this is bigger than the two of us. Certain boundaries have to be set between us. Jane and I both understand and honor our boundaries, but this has nothing to do with us or our broken relationship. This is my profession and I owe it to the commonwealth of Massachusetts to help with this case.

"I'll be there as soon as I can." I answer back after a lengthy pause. _This is not for Jane…stop lying, Maura, you'll get hives. This is for Jane and you know it._

"Okay...send me your flight number when you know which flight you'll be on...so you won't have to hail a cab." Jane tries for a nonchalant tone, but I can hear the rising hope in her voice.

"I'll make sure to do that...see you soon, Jane." As much as I want to see Jane, I'm nervous and still completely hurt. We need to talk in person, but I'm not ready. I'm just going to get this autopsy over with and fly back to California. _Who are you trying to kid, Maura?_

"Thanks, Maur...see ya then." Jane's voice is thick with promise. I close my eyes to picture her face as I end the call. _I'll be seeing Jane in just a few hours...shit._

**Thank you for reading and following! I hope you like this chapter…comments are always welcome and appreciated! I have a master plan for this story and it's really intense and crazy and adorable and…I've already said too much, but I'm excited about it! You are all so wonderful thanks again for reading!**


	8. Crossing Paths

Normally, I'm good under pressure and I don't really let my nerves get the best of me. I can look a perp in the eye and still pull the trigger without reservation. I was trained to separate my emotions from the cases I deal with, no matter what. Right now, however, I am a complete mess. _Maura is on her way…_

I'm not even entirely sure why I've been so emotional today. People die all the time, right? I hardly even knew Olivia Brandt so why am I so shaken up over this? I couldn't even compose myself long enough to have a short conversation with Maura over the phone. No, I bawled like a baby and made myself look like such a loser. _Way to go, Rizzoli, you're such a class act. I'm such an asshole._

Deep down, I know the answer, but I keep myself from really believing it. I can't acknowledge the fact that I'm scared to death over Olivia's death. I'm terrified because that could have been Maura. It doesn't take a genius to suspect foul play in a situation such as this. This is a serious business and it isn't the first time a colleague of mine has died on the job.

The thought of Maura dying is so inconceivably painful that I won't even let myself consider the possibility. My mind is tainted by a dark fog as I drive to the airport to pick up Maura_. Right turn, stoplight, freeway, exit onto the off ramp._ Each movement is made subconsciously, as if I am functioning on autopilot._ I just want to see those eyes…when I see her eyes, everything will be alright.  
_  
Sunlight peaks through the thick, gray clouds as I park in a designated government-officials-only area. The nervous energy bottled up inside of me magnifies to an almost unbearable degree. As adrenaline courses through my veins, I feel like I could run a full marathon in record-breaking time. I cut the engine and take off my seatbelt. Dust floats down in gentle waves, hovering and sparkling in the sunlight._ I can't do this…I think I'm having a heart attack. Is this what dying feels like?_

I take a deep breath and try to shake out some of this anxiety through my hands. Maura, the only person I have complete faith in, the only one that understands my faults better than I do, the woman I would lay my own life down for- will be here in less than an hour. As I repeat her beautiful name over and over in my mind, my heartbeat quickens and my chest constricts. Maura, the very soul that means more to me than my own, hates me. _She hates me and I can't fucking do this…_

I continue to sit in the cruiser and try to work up the nerve to get out of the car. The muffled sunlight is warm on my knuckles that grip the steering wheel. _I really can't do this… _I actually feel like I could puke because of the nervous butterflies fluttering around madly in my stomach. _Get out of the car, Rizzoli. Get out of the car and go get Maura. _I roll my eyes and nod my head, making myself do this. I never thought I'd be scared to see Maura.

As I walk into the arrival terminal, I let my dark and twisted thoughts haunt me. I try to prepare a speech in my mind, but nothing comes to me. I can think of nothing worthy to say to Maura. I want to grovel at her feet, begging for her forgiveness, but my pride would never allow me to. I want to scoop Maura up into my arms and show her exactly what she means to me, but I'm scared to death that she'll reject me. I want to tell Maura about Stefano and the Italian Mafia, but I don't want to put her in danger.

I begin pacing along the back of the large terminal in frustration. I don't know how to handle this. I don't want to make things worse, but I know I have to do something. My eyes rise to the large digital clock on the wall. The bright red numbers read 4:37pm. Maura's flight landed 7 minutes ago. _I can't do this…I really…I can't.  
_  
I slide my hands inside my pants pockets, trying to hide myself as much as possible. Either by reflex or grand design, I turn to face the baggage claim carousel. Standing there, waiting for me, is Maura. I admire her perfect profile, the plumpness of her lips, her long eyelashes. She hasn't caught sight of me, so I continue to watch her breathlessly for a moment. _Oh man, there she is._

Maura is entirely flawless. The way the shadows play along her cheekbones, how the warm sunlight kisses her forehead and delicate beams are caught in her soft hair- leave me starved for more. _I can't do this…I can't do this…I can't do this…  
_

Soft sunlight peaks through the glass wall of the arrival terminal. _How odd for November in Boston._ I watch as a couple reunites, completely captivated by their manifesting happiness. A young mother holding her small, blue eyed son, smiles at me as she passes. The sound of "hellos" and "welcome homes" fill my ears. _Where's my heartfelt hello? Where's my awe-inspiring reunion? Where is Jane?_

My eyes sweep to the doors across the room, looking for Jane. Butterflies swarm inside of my stomach, threatening to overtake me. For a split-second, I regret coming back. I regret bringing myself back into a situation I'm not at all ready for. _Jane was unfaithful_. It was the very last thing I expected from her, but I suppose that was my greatest mistake. Always expect the unexpected because it does happen. _It happened to me...Jane cheated on me.  
_  
_I can't do this. Why did you come here, Maura?_ Blood pounds against my eardrums and I feel myself start to panic. _Just breathe. Free your mind for a moment. You can do this...you're already here, so you're doing this._ Mentally, I scold myself for being such a coward. If there is one thing I am not, it's a coward.

I scan the terminal for sight of Jane. Just as I am about to give up, my eyes meet my favorite pair of brown irises. Neither Jane nor I dare to close the distance. I swallow hard, trying to keep my growing fear at bay. As hard as I'm straining myself to keep composure, I cannot control my erratic heartbeat. _She looks as lovely as ever…_

Subconsciously, I tuck my hair behind my ear as if to busy myself. Jane narrows her eyes and the hint of a suppressed smile dances on her lips. _Oh, Jane, don't smirk your smirk at me._ Hands tucked deep into dark pants pockets, Jane begins walking toward me. As if at the flick of a switch, turning the ignition, I slowly make my way to her. Without consent, my feet carry me closer to Jane. _Here goes nothing…  
_  
Our eyes meet once again, now that a mere 15 feet separate us. I can feel the electricity of Jane's longing as I dive into her dark eyes, unearthing all of their hidden secrets. We both pause at arm's length, neither brave enough to make the first move. I study the features I know all too well, my eyes lingering on Jane's slightly separated lips. _They've kissed another, Maura, don't go back…_

The second I look back into Jane's warm, brown eyes, I know she's caught me. Her gaze leaves mine to travel down to my red mouth. Suddenly, I am thankful that I took the time to put lip gloss on. I take a quick, deep breath in and cross my arms awkwardly. _My lips are not yours anymore, Jane…_

"Hi..." I mutter quietly. This is such an uncomfortable situation. I want to both slap Jane across the face and kiss her pink lips. I feel confused and exhausted. I just want to give in and pretend like nothing ever happened, but the endless agony that surrounds me holds me back. _It did happen._

"Hey, Maur..." Jane nearly whispers. The familiar rasp in her voice, drawing me nearer. I want nothing more than to be wrapped in her long arms, feeling the beat of her heart on my chest. I can faintly smell the ever-present lavender scent of her shampoo and it's all I can do to stay standing. _Be strong, Maura._

"The weather forecast looks decent this week..." I say the only thing I can think of. _Sunlight in the middle of November? Absurd._

"Um...oh, yeah. The sun and stuff." Jane looks from me to the floor and back again. She looks about as uncomfortable as I feel. _She's been crying…_

I nod my head in agreement and swallow back the lump forming in my throat. Emotionally charged tears pool in my eyes, distorting my view of Jane. I try my hardest to blink them away, but only end up making the tears roll slowly down my cheeks. _You promised you wouldn't let Jane see you cry…_

I lift my fixated gaze from my shoes and the linoleum floor to look Jane in the eyes. Before my eyes even adjust, I feel the comforting tightness of Jane's arms around me. For a moment, I stand stiff with shock. The familiar smell of coffee and lavender scented shampoo fills my lungs. I close my eyes with excessive force, willing myself to maintain at least an ounce of dignity.

I bury my face into the soft, wild curls of Jane's hair. The heat from her neck greets my skin with the warmth of the life flowing through her veins. Pressure on my Parietal lobe signifies that Jane has laid her head on mine. I want so badly to ball up fistfuls of her jacket, to pull Jane as close as possible, to never let go of her ever again. Instead, my fingers are splayed widely across her spine. _I missed this._

My heart is beating out of control and I feel as if I can't pull enough oxygen into my chest. This is how I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I am still in love with Jane. In fact, I have never cared this deeply, nor loved so desperately, another person before. In this very moment, I love Jane Rizzoli more than I love even myself. I know this because I am here. _And if I loved myself more than I love Jane, I wouldn't have come at all.  
_  
"We should go, Jane." I slowly unravel myself from her embrace. _Maintain distance._ Her eyes are swollen and bloodshot from shedding unrelenting tears all day. A mischievous grin carves its way onto Jane's lips and she nods. My favorite sight to see…that smile.

"Yeah, lots of work to do..." She murmurs through a half-hearted smirk. _Yes, work, Maura…focus on the task at hand before you go gallivanting all over Boston chasing wisps of a love that no longer exists._ Jane picks up my suitcase and before I can object, she turns and heads to the door of the terminal.

**Sorry for the late update, everyone. My best friend's father just passed away and it's been a very hard week for us all. I was really close to him and his death was very unexpected, so it's been rough. As always, I enjoy hearing your thoughts and I do read every single review and take into account your opinions and theories and whatnot. So, thank you for your support, it means a lot to me! Thank you for continuing on with this story…get ready because you're in for quite a wild ride!**


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